An Adventure in Implied Buts

"You're not fat... you're beautiful"

How many times have you heard that? It may seem like a compliment. Telling somebody they are beautiful - that's a good thing, right? And telling somebody they are fat - that's an insult. The problem here is with the implied 'but'.

"You're not fat - but beautiful."

The 'but' implies that fat and beautiful are mutually exclusive. Some people are fat, and telling them that they aren't achieves nothing. All a statement such as this does is reinforce the belief that fat is a Bad Thing, and that beautiful a Good Thing.

But what if somebody ISN'T beautiful?

"You're not ugly... you're awesome!"

We aren't easily fooled. There is a set standard of beauty to which we compare ourselves and others. If we don't match up, we know. And what's more, cosmetics companies know, and they profit from our insecurities and desperate need to get closer to this image of perfection.

How much money would a campaign like this make?

The message is clear. You can't be ugly and awesome. And if being fat means you can't be beautiful, then you can't be fat and awesome either. We have to be surrounded by the message that everybody is beautiful, and by extension not fat, because otherwise we can't believe that we, ourselves, might be awesome.

Frequently people are told that looks don't matter if one possesses an 'inner beauty' which 'shines through'. I find this equally problematic. I don't want any part of me to be measured by how 'beautiful' it is. Why should my personality be judged by an aesthetic quality?

When I was receiving inpatient treatment for anorexia, a lot of time was dedicated to reassuring patients that they were smaller than they perceived themselves to be.

"You aren't fat".

Of course this is often necessary, especially in early stages of recovery. Even as I write this, I admit that I am guilty of asking for reassurance that I am not fat. Forgive me, reader, for this hypocrisy. I'm working on it.

Treating disturbed body image by pretending that the Feared Thing won't happen, when it might, doesn't work.  It is more sensible to teach people that the Feared Thing isn't all that scary. Let me demonstrate.

It's the difference between this:

And this:

Or, alternatively this:

And this:

It's the difference between telling somebody that that they aren't getting fatter, (which, when you are putting on weight as part of treatment, is a misnomer), and telling somebody that there is no shame in being fat anyway. There is no such thing as a fat person or a skinny person. There are just people, with different, fluctuating bodies. Body shaming has no place in treating eating disorders.

What we need to hear, what everybody needs to hear more of, is this.

"You can be fat AND beautiful. You can be a great person and NOT beautiful. You can be fat and living a healthy lifestyle. You can be fat, not beautiful, not healthy and STILL BE a great person. There is no correlation between a person's size and a person's entitlement to a good life on this planet."

We need to stop conflating meanings. More to the point, we need to stop making unsubstantiated connections between separate personal attributes.

Let's stop trying to convince everybody that they are beautiful, that they aren't fat, and instead try to convince them that it doesn't matter.

Not yours... mine,

BT

An Adventure in Normality

I often wonder how strangers view me. I imagine it's something like this.

Okay, so the hair colour is wishful thinking.  Additionally, in my own mind I look far more awkward and far less desirable, but I'm trying to shelve the Beaver of Half-Truths for now.

I try not to give too much thought to how strangers view me. On the other hand, acquaintances, friends and people who have the ability to make an impact on my life are much more important.

I love people. I'm recovering from social anxiety disorder, and actually being able to socialise is a recently discovered joy. I cannot describe how freeing it feels to have an open conversation with somebody, despite how difficult I still find it.

Presenting myself to other people, however, does not come without its perils.

I sometimes wonder how acquaintances view me. I imagine it's something like this.

Developing a closer relationship with a person involves filling in a lot of those gaps.  It may seem like I tend to focus conversation on the distinguishing parts of my life, but if I don't explain the context of my words and actions then I risk being misunderstood. I risk being perceived as lazy, rude and a liar.

We all make assumptions. It is easiest to assess a social situation (and, from an evolutionary perspective, to judge if people are dangerous), if you have a 'standard' model with which to compare others. The issue is that if I asked most people, out of context, to imagine the standard model of a human being - it would probably look a lot like this.

I don't know about you, but that doesn't describe me. If people try to gage my personality by matching me up to those traits, then I come off pretty badly. More pressingly, I come off as incredibly boring.

Imagine we live in a world were everybody owns a unicorn; it's your mode of transport, it's your main source of support and you're its companion. At the age of 5, as oft happens, your unicorn turns into a dragon. I'm sure this is a scenario we can all relate to.

People generally don't have a problem with dragons. They're a bit afraid of them, because they are so used to unicorns and  have heard that dragons can be unpredictable, but social acceptance is on the up. There are also laws in place to make sure that dragon owners aren't discriminated against.

Still, you feel lonely, and as if your identity as a dragon owner is invisible and invalid. You are made to feel like The Other; as though you are not only a deviation, but a deviant.

You are alienated from peers.

You are alienated from learning.

You are alienated from the media.

You are alienated from popular opinion.

This is why we need women's and black history months - because white men are disproportionately visible throughout taught history.  This is why we need LGBTQ pride events - because straight people have never been told they should feel ashamed of being straight. This is why we need 'reasonable adjustments' for disabled people - because the able bodied live in a world that was built with them in mind.

It's not the fault of the D-Os that all the parking spaces are for unicorns. It is not unreasonable to request that parking spaces cater for all mythological creatures.

Speaking as somebody who has grown up with white privilege, I used to think that the best way to tackle racism was to be 'colour blind'. I would go to great lengths to describe the physical appearance of a person without mentioning skin colour, and would try to view all people through my own lens. After all, I am human, my experiences are human experiences, therefore other people must be coming from the same human point, right?

I now realise that by doing this was white washing all the experiences of black people. I was assuming that my lens - my white lens - was the neutral human one.

By not viewing black people as black people, I was, by default, trying to view them as white.

Black is not a dirty word. Likewise, disabled is not a dirty word, neither is gay, or fat or skinny or female or trans or any other adjectives humans apply to themselves. They are merely descriptors, providing a explanatory short-cut for how we relate to the world. Of course it would be nice to think that, one day, we will no longer need to label ourselves. Until then, it's important to show the world that these varied identities exist  - and that they are no less valid. Let's celebrate our different normalities rather than celebrating conformity to this idea of a 'standard' model!

Occasionally wonder how my friends see me. I hope it's something like this.

I am all of these things and more. I won't dilute my experiences. To let others assume that I am anything different - to transmogrify myself so that I can be understood next to the 'standard' model - is to do me a disservice. I am not putting a horn on my dragon and banning it from breathing fire. This is my normality. What's yours?

Yours uniquely (just like everybody else),

BT